Say What You Would LIKE To Happen

Recently some children were weeding in the garden area; activities included searching for worms, pulling weeds by hand, digging deep holes and shoveling the soil.

One of the children inadvertently sent dirt flying over other's heads. 
"Don't throw the dirt, please." a parent nearby, calmly said.  I had a memory jog:  When my child was about 3 years old, we were out somewhere,(leaving a doctor's office) and he began to move quickly away from me, down a sidewalk, towards a parking lot.  

Maybe you've had some version of the following happen with your child?  I called to him, "Don't run into the parking lot!", to which he immediately broke into a sprint and ran out, into the parking lot.   When I caught up to him I asked,  "What did you hear me say to you?" 
"I heard "RUN.", he said.

As you may have read or heard, child experts explain that it is better to say what you'd LIKE to have happen than to caution about what you don't want.  For example a teacher saying,  "Slow walking through the classroom." is more effective than "No running".   

Isn't it interesting that we often ask for what we DON'T want to happen, instead of for what we do?     

When a child is running in the preschool yard, with a stick in one in hand, (or swinging it about) I use, "Sticks go through the fence, or over the fence, how would you like to take care of that?"  At least with this instance, I've learned that if I say,  "We don't PLAY WITH STICKS", the children usually go on playing with sticks.  [Aside: I am an advocate for children being able to play with bits of nature - sticks can be used as tools and many fine games come from them.  It is only in a school yard, of 20 preschoolers, that I discourage the use of sticks for battles and such.  If you, the parent or teacher want to do so with your own children, so be it!]

Phrases used in the car: "Feet stay on the floor".  At home, " "Close the door quietly", "Shoes go in the shoe basket when you come inside" or,(to reduce whining in a child),  "I'll be happy to talk with you when your voice is quiet."   The people at www.LoveandLogic.com  have this type of positive language figured out.  As for me?  I'm still working on it!  It takes mental effort to convert my language to the affirmative.   

What about you?  Share - What phrases have you adopted that say what you would LIKE to happen?  Share with us; share with me! I'm always looking for a better way to get my point across.    

Over correcting a child - the damage it can do

School fears: Crying at drop off

Does your child act worried, (or downright terrified), when you are about to leave them at their preschool or day care?  Have they screamed as if they were being brutally injured? 

As a preschool teacher, I frequently see children exhibiting anxiety when it is time for their family to leave them at school.  Sometimes it happens at the beginning of the school year, other times it happens after a break from school.  

Here I offer a few helpful tips to get through this stage in your child's life: 

• Arrive early or at best, be on time! - For children, as well as adults, it is not always comfortable to enter a party or an event after everyone has already "paired off". Try to arrive before the other students, so your child may watch others arrive.  In addition, it may be worth asking their teacher if you may enter the classroom and quietly get your child settled.
• Set up a park play date with other classmates - On non-school days, organize an informal park play date.  Pass out a flier, or send a group email inviting others in your child's class, to meet you at the park for fun!  It only takes ONE connection with another child, to make a student feel comfortable at school.  Try play dates with several children until you see there is a connection.  

• Give one warning and then, scoot!  For example, "Once you start that puzzle, I will be leaving."  Or, " I'll give you a push on the swing and then I will be leaving."

• Talk less, redirect and move forward - I cannot emphasize enough -- TALK LESS! The more reassurance, by parents, (whether at bedtime the night before, on the way to school, or at drop off), the more likely a child (who is already nervous) will exhibit uncertainty about the separation.  The child may actually think,  "Gee, if Mom needs to talk about this so often, maybe I really have something to be worried about?!"  It's far better for you to say good bye quickly and clearly without discussion. Please be sure that you have their attention.  And then make your exit.  

• Ask the teacher/provider for assistance  -  work with the provider, to time your departure properly.  Ask them to pull your child's attention in a new direction and engage your child in play, as you turn to leave.

• Send along a toy, stuffed animal or item from home - One item from home, can make all the difference, in providing comfort for your child.  I've seen this time and time again, a stuffed animal gets dragged along all day, for a few days, until a child finds their confidence and place in their school setting.  If they have a special toy, that they like, ask your child's teacher/provider to allow them to have it all day long.  You may have to convince the teacher that is alright if the item gets lost or dirty... and you must be alright with that happening!

• Exhibit confidence - even if you are feeling unsure and concerned for your child - don't let them see it!  Act confident and send the message,  "I believe in you".